I Finally Slept!

After the duration I lost track of, of insomnia I have finally slept!

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP yesterday who gave me some Phenegran 25 mg (Promethazine hydrochloride), which is amougst other things a sedative, to take with my Nitrazepam.

I slept like a baby!

After coming back from the GP I phoned my mental health provider again but only got ” sorry you can not get an earlier appointment, you’ll have to wait it out” WTF?

What sort of answer is that to a person with Bipolar Disorder undergoing an extremely bad period.

If I was in charge of that centre I’d sack them all, yes there may be no appointments but sympathy and empathy cost nothing and should be a requirement for staff working in such an environment.

Later that afternoon I went to get the colour on my spine tattoo filled in so that was an unpleasant 2 hours.

For some unknown reason the left half of my body hurts more than the right half – strange …

I am really happy with the results and think that this at number 9 will be the last one that I will have … for now!

Just Another Rant About Insomnia And Self Medicating 😡

So it’s been 3 weeks on just the Olanzapine and Nitrazepam now and the sedative effects of the Olanzapine have well and truly worn off.

The insomnia is now at a point that around 2am I feel like screaming.

I can’t even get comfortable and stay still.

I have now turned to my last option until the GP opens on Monday – self medicating.

I am prescribed 15mg of Nitrazepam a night and have been taking 25mg and still not sleeping.

I was so exhausted Christmas Day I took 400mg of Quetiapine, stupidly in the morning as I was just desperate for sleep and it just drugged me off my head and I had a whole 2hrs sleep.

At this point 2hrs is like a week in normal sleep time!

I haven’t slept since them so this morning I took some lithium (it amps up the effect of Olanzapine), 5mg Nitrazepam and some Co-codamol 30/500mg in the hopes of getting a little bit of sleep.

I am self medicating out of pure desperation.

The insomnia is so bad I feel like I’m going to lose my shit!

I know it’s dangerous taking unperscribed medication cocktails (Google checks only take you so far) but seeing as I can’t get to see a doctor what else am I supposed to do?

With luck I won’t have poisoned or killed myself by Monday and maybe the GP can do something to help me but I’m not holding out much hope as they have to go on the say so of the Psych team who won’t see me until the 22 January.

That’s it, rant over.

Until next time – life’s a bitch and then you die!

Why Does Mental Health Take A Back Seat When It Comes To Health Care?

For the last 2 1/2 months I’ve been changing medications and for the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to settle on my new meds.

I feel fantastic – only problem being that for the love of god I can not sleep!

Anyone with Bipolar knows that sleep is important.

The only way I can sleep is by taking 25mg of Nitrazepam with my 15mg of Olanzapine,which I am rather sure isn’t safe and is an overdose.

Even though I know this I take it anyway as insomnia is a nightmare.

It’s not just the endless hours of boredom, it messes with your head.

I phoned my mental healthcare provider to see if I could get an appointment earlier than the one I have on 22nd January and was told I would just have to wait – yeah cheers for that you arsehole!

I could go to and see my GP, who is absolutely fabulous, and looks after the day to day of my mental health but can’t change things without the say so of the Forge Centre, my main Mental health (non) provider who will not see me to make a change!

It looks like I’ll be ODing on sleeping pills till I run out and then maybe they will finally take some action and do something about my insomnia before I go ape shit crazy!!!

Blog Censorship

I had to redact and then delete a blog a wrote this morning about getting a tattoo and mentioning my father (not) drawing it.

I was in a bad mood when I wrote it and what I said offended him.

Being bipolar my blog is often like my diary – it helps me to clear my head.
It gets my thoughts out so they don’t fester in a big burning ball inside of me.

I will never mention my father again.

I don’t think that what I use so often as my diary when nothing really defamatory and non-cursing was written should be censored.

Neither of my parents are talking to me and are sulking.

This is my blog and I post to help myself.

If anyone else has been offended by what I have wrote I am sorry but the easiest way around this is for you to stop reading and leave me to get my thoughts out!

My Tattoo Christmas Present Update 2

UPDATE 2:

Had the outline of my back tattoo done anyway this afternoon and as predicted have two pissed off parents not talking to me:

*My mother because I didn’t wait until my father had drawn me a tattoo

*My father because he didn’t like my blog post

Nothing I can do about either now but I do have some killer ink and chances are the artist would have had to change the drawing anyway like she had to change the drawing I took down with me to have put on my back.

If my dad still wants to draw me a tattoo he is more than welcome to do my side piece as I don’t intend on having that for at least a year when I’ve lost some weight!

New Meds – The Good, The Bad And The Insomnia!

I am finally settled on my new cocktail of medications and my mood is great and I’m feeling great.

There is one drawback – for the love of god I just can’t sleep!

When I say I can’t sleep I mean I can’t sleep at night.

In the daytime around 11am I’m exhausted and could sleep for the rest of the day – well until I have to feed Magic.

Even taking extra pills doesn’t help, and after all there are only so many pills you can take without having a nasty accident …

I hate being awake at night, it is so boring, why is there never anything good on late at night?

I’m stuck watching crap TV and if I’m lucky I’ll catch 2 hours sleep around 3am before I have to get up with Magic at 5am to let him out and feed him.

I’ve tried earplugs. I’ve tried music. Nothing works.

Maybe I’m over tired as I didn’t sleep today as the carpet fitters were here and my mother was out for most of the day.

If I can get this sleep business under control I will definitely be able to look for work after Christmas, non stressful work like bar work or waitressing.

This is the first time in over 10 years I don’t feel like I’m walking under water.

I am alert and I have energy.

If I have to spend a couple of weeks getting into a sleep pattern then I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with it as I guess it’s a small price to pay for feeling like a normal person who doesn’t rattle with pills when I walk!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I hope you all have a very Happy Christmas

http://www.jibjab.com/view/43rB103uQIybrdpXfy5HgA?mt=1

 

Could My Day Get Any Worse?

Get up at 5 am as normal to let Magic out and feed him and the little git wouldn’t come in for an hour.

Now anyone with a whippet knows it’s a futile exercise trying to chase one round the garden to catch it as they are too fast and can turn on a pin head so you just have to sit it out and wait for them to come in on their own – me raging, head about to explode!

Im bloody tired and I want to go back to bed!

Saw the doctor Friday for the last of my pill change and for my back which I had nobbled scrubbing the decking as it was covered in mud and algae and my whippet comes in so fast he was going to hurt himself – turns out I hurt myself instead.

He hands me a script for a job lot of pain killers and says “rest your back” – yeah if only!

I have a huge up hill garden with 3 deckings and 5 dogs that shit literally everywhere so I had to go out and clean it up, which obviously did my back the world of good – NOT.

I get to the top decking which is wood and where the big setter likes to shit and like a good little girl I clean it all up and as I’m coming down the concrete steps to the next decking, back killing me, I fall down the steps into sloppy mud and shit and twist my ankle.

Now I’m nobbled and in agony in two places and covered in shit and mud!

I get myself up and hobble down the slippy, muddy garden trying not to slip again and get in the house and carry out a three point process:

*change
*go to bed
*take a fuck load of painkillers

On top of this I’m still having trouble with the useless Bluehost who set up a blog pointing to my WordPress.com blog so I’m left with an empty template and they are trying to get to manually move my data when I’ve already paid to have it moved

Fuck this shit just send me a damn cancellation form so I can have my money back and be done with your shite Service,  but will they – NO.

They want to keep my money and I want like to tap dance on their heads!

If that cancellation form does not come today I am going to the ombudsman and taking the complaint to them, let them deal with the idiots that Bluehost are comprised of.

Bluehost are fucking useless – don’t use them!!!

It’s one of those days when it’s only 11am and I’m laying here thinking what the hell is going to go wrong next …

Rant over and apologies over the swearing – even though I think I kept it pretty tame all things considered!

Happy Holidays 💖💖💖 (part three!)

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year – “The Boys” 💋💋💋

 

Happy Holidays 💖💖💖 (part two!)

Merry Christmas From “The Boys” 💋💋💋

What A Difference A Week Can Make To A Bipolar Mind …

I wrote the below post about a week ago and had it Scheduled for publish today, but things can change drastically in a week when you have Bipolar Disorder and are under major stress from outside influences i.e. “The Painter From Hell”!

“I’m Bipolar, as those who have read my posts before know, and I’m currently in the middle of changing my cocktail of meds for probably the millionth time but the unusual thing about this time is I’m feeling good.

No, scrap that, I’m feeling great!

I’ve got a month left of change over left and I’m feeling better by the day. I’m not just feeling better I’m feeling normal.

For the last 10 years I have felt either like I’m walking under water drugged up to my eyeballs or high as a kite, not sleeping, and bouncing off the walls.

I am feeling so good that after Christmas I plan to start looking for work, nothing stressful just bar work or waitressing, but work.

I haven’t worked in over 10 years because of my illness and medication and I’m excited to live a “normal” life again.

Unfortunately in this economy it won’t be easy finding a job I know – especially given my 10 year career gap but I’m excited just to try.

I feel like I’ve wasted far too many of my good years and I want to start living again. I want to go to work, I want to go out with friends, I really want to get back to being the real me with actual emotions again and I am really excited to give it my best shot – fingers crossed things stay good!”

I am so angry right now.

I was doing so well.

With all the stress that I’m currently under from the damn painter first demanding money for jobs he was going to have next year and secondly the aggressive threats he’s now been making,  my head is now fucked.

I’m not sleeping and I’m constantly anxious and stressed out and I am so mad that I have let him do this to me.

It is so frustrating when you have no control over your mind and mood but somebody else does.

Had I not been under going the medication change I currently am, then maybe this stress wouldn’t have had the effect that it has.

I now have to go see my Dr this morning to get some Diazepam to let me sleep as I am determined to get my meds changed over and I’m not going to let stress from that bastard painter stop me as I only have 6 weeks left of my 18 week change.

I can’t wait for tomorrow to have him come get his tools, with a police escort, and have that bastard out of my life. Well that’s if he doesn’t keep up with the text stalking and threats.

What a difference a week can make to a bipolar mind …

Gnome Town

My brother works abroad and has just bought his first house – it’s safe for me to say as the house is never empty as he moved his mate in with him!

He works 8 weeks away and 2 weeks home so this time home, he got back yesterday, is the first time that he has seen his house all finished, new and sparkly.

He is very excited about his house and as I’m evil (if you don’t know already I’m sure you’ll find out soon) I have been sitting there plotting what I could do to him.

Then I had the idea that I could do something that he would go nuts and blame his mates for!

He doesn’t really have a large garden so I went out and bought 20 gnomes and a Meerkat looking through lighted up binoculars.

Best thing is my brother hates gnomes!

After his house mate had left for work I snuck into his house and I turned his garden into “Gnome Town” with the Meerkat on the outside window sill watching whatever he is doing over his sink.

Now you may think this is a colossal waste of money and you are right. It’s just the back and forth relationship I have with my brother and the fact he’s blaming his friends makes it worth every penny, I even asked his house mate if he did it to throw them off my trail.

My brother is not a happy bunny and is grilling all his friends to find out who “Gnomified” his garden and getting shitty because he doesn’t believe them!

I’m not going to let him suffer too long though.

His birthday is 1st January and one of his gifts from me will be a photo of me holding and surrounded by Gnomes.

Unfortunately this has backfired on me a bit as after being initially being pissed off with “Gnome Town” he’s decided he likes them and is going to keep them and I’m left plotting what I can do to him next …

Differences Between American Football & Rugby – Saftey Equipment